Notes by an Oxford Chiel by C.L. Dodgson, extracted from the "The Lewis Carroll picture book; a selection from the unpublished writings and drawings of Lewis Carroll, together with reprints from scarce and unacknowledged work. Edited by Stuart Dodgson Collingwood

See other formats

The texts may contain OCR errors.

  1. THE EVALUATION OF π (1865)
  3. FACTS, FIGURES, AND FANCIES (1866-1868)
  4. THE NEW BELFRY (1872, see also:
  6. THE BLANK CHEQUE (1874, see also:
See also: Wikisource
THE NEW METHOD OF EVALUATION AS APPLIED TO π " Little Jack Homer Sat in a corner, Eating his Christmas Pie." FIRST POINTED IN 1865 iforlt : JAMES PARKER AND CO. 1874- CONTENTS. INTRODUCTORY. I. RATIONALISATION. II. METHOD OF INDIFFERENCES. III. PENRHYN'S METHOD. IV. ELIMINATION OF J. V. EVALUATION UNDER PRESSURE THE NEW METHOD OF EVALUATION AS APPLIED TO π. The problem of evaluating ?r, which has en- gaged the attention of mathematicians from the earliest ages, had, down to our own time, been considered as purely arithmetical. It was re- served for this generation to make the discovery that it is in reality a dynamical problem ; and the true value of TT, which appeared an ignis fatuus to our forefathers, has been at last obtained under pressure. The following are the main data of the problem : Let U =the University, G = Greek, and P = Professor. Then GP = Greek Professor; let this be reduced to its lowest terms, and call the result J. Also let W = the work done, T = the Times, / = the given payment, 7r = the payment according to T, and S = the sum required ; so that ?r = S. The problem is, to obtain a value for n which shall be commensurable with W. In the early treatises on this subject, the mean 47 48 THE LEWIS CARROLL 'PICTURE BOOK value assigned to ?r will be found to be 40.000000. Later writers suspected that the decimal point had been accidentally shifted, and that the proper value was 400.00000 ; but, as the details of the process for obtaining it had been lost, no further progress was made in the subject till our own time, though several most ingenious methods were tried for solving the problem. Of these methods we proceed to give some brief account. Those chiefly worthy of note appear to be Rationalisation, the Method of Indifferences, Penrhyn's Method, and the Method of Elimination. We shall conclude with an account of the great discovery of our own day, the Method of Evalua- tion under Pressure. I. RATIONALISATION. The peculiarity of this process consists in its affecting all quantities alike with a negative sign. To apply it, let H = High Church, and L = Low Church then the geometric mean = v /HL: call this "B" (Broad Church). .'. HL=B2. Also let x and y represent unknown quantities THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 49 The process now requires the breaking up of U into its partial factions, and the introduction of certain combinations. Of the two principal factions thus formed, that corresponding with P presented no further difficulty, but it appeared hopeless to rationalise the other. A rcductio adabsurdum was therefore attempted, and it was asked, "Why should TT not be evalu- ated ? " The great difficulty now was, to dis- cover y. Several ingenious substitutions and transforma- tions were then resorted to, with a view to simplifying the equation, and it was at one time asserted, though never actually proved, that the ys were all on one side. However, as repeated trials produced the same irrational result, the process was finally abandoned. 1 1. --THE METHOD OF INDIFFERENCES. This was a modification of " the method of finite Differences," and may be thus briefly described : Let E = Essays, and R = Reviews : then the locus of (E + R), referred to multilinear co- ordinates, will be found to be a superficies (i.e., 5 50 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK a locus possessing length and breadth, but no depth). Let v = novelty, and assume (E + R) as a function of v. Taking this superficies as the plane of reference, we get ... EB = B 2 =HL (by the last article). Multiplying by P, EBP = HPL. It was now necessary to investigate the locus of EBP: this was found to be a species of Catenary, called the Patristic Catenary, which is usually defined as "passing through origen, and containing many multiple points." The locus of HPL will be found almost entirely to coincide with this. Great results were expected from the assump- tion of (E + R) as a function of v: but the opponents of this theorem, having actually suc- ceeded in demonstrating that the v-element did not even enter into the function, it appeared hope- less to obtain any real value of ?r by this method. III. PENRHYN'S METHOD. This was an exhaustive process for extracting the value of π, in a series of terms, by repeated DEAN STANLEY. (From a photograph by Lewis Carroll.) THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 53 divisions. The series so obtained appeared to be convergent, but the residual quantity was always negative, which of course made the pro- cess of extraction impossible. This theorem was originally derived from a radical series in Arithmetical Progression : let us denote the series itself by A. P., and its sum by (A.P.)S. It was found that the function (A.P.)S. entered into the above process, in various forms. The experiment was therefore tried of trans- forming (A.P.)S. into a new scale of notation ; it had hitherto been, through a long series of terms, entirely in the senary, in which scale it had furnished many beautiful expressions : it was now transformed into the denary. Under this modification, the process of division was repeated, but with the old negative result ; the attempt was therefore abandoned, though not without a hope that future mathematicians, by introducing a number of hitherto undetermined constants, raised to the second degree, might succeed in obtaining a positive result. IV. ELIMINATION OF J. It had long been perceived that the chief obstacle to the evaluation of π was the presence 54 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK of J, and in an earlier age of mathematics J would probably have been referred to rectangular axes, and divided into two unequal parts a process of arbitrary elimination which is now considered not strictly legitimate. It was proposed, therefore, to eliminate J by an appeal to the principle known as "the permanence of equivalent formularies :" this, however, failed on application, as J became indeterminate. Some advocates of the process would have preferred that J should be eliminated " in toto" The classical scholar need hardly be reminded that " toto" is the ablative of ' ' tiuntum, " and that this beautiful and expressive phrase embodied the wish that J should be eliminated by a com- pulsory religious examination. It was next proposed to eliminate J by means of a " canonisant." The chief objection to this process was, that it would raise J to an in- conveniently high power, and would after all only give an irrational value for TT. Other processes, which we need not here describe, have been suggested for the evaluation of π. One was that it should be treated as a given quantity: this theory was supported by THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 55 many eminent men, at Cambridge and elsewhere ; but, on application, J was found to exhibit a negative sign, which of course made the evaluation impossible. We now proceed to describe the modern method, which has been crowned with brilliant and unexpected success, and which may be defined as V. EVALUATION UNDER PRESSURE. Mathematicians had already investigated the locus of HPL, and had introduced this function into the calculation, but without effecting the desired evaluation, even when HPL was trans- ferred to the opposite side of the equation with a change of sign. The process we are about to describe consists chiefly in the substitution of G for P, and the application of pressure. Let the function tf> (HGL) be developed into a series, and let the sum of this be assumed as a perfectly rigid body, moving in a fixed line : let " ju " be the coefficient of moral- obligation, and "e" the expediency. Also let "F" be a Force acting equally in all directions, and varying inversely as T : let A = Able, and E = Enlightened. 5 6 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK We have now to develope <t> (HGL) by Maclaurin's Theorem. The function itself vanishes when the variable vanishes : /.., 0() = O. 0'(o) = Q ( a prime constant). f"(o) = 2. 3 .H. 0"(o) = r"() = 2-34-5.P- 0"""() =;. after which the quantities recur in the same order. The above proof is taken from the learned treatise " August i dc fallibilitatc historicorum" and occupies an entire Chapter : the evaluation of TT is given in the next Chapter. The author takes occasion to point out several remarkable properties possessed by the above series, the existence of which had hardly been suspected before. This series is a function of /* and of e : but, when it is considered as a body it will be found that /* = o, and that e only remains. We now have the equation THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 57 The summation of this gave a minimum value for TT : this, however, was considered only as a first approximation, and the process was re- peated under pressure EAF, which gave to * a partial maximum value ; by continually in- creasing EAF, the result was at last obtained, 7T= S = 500.00000. This result differs considerably from the anticipated value, namely, 400.00000 : still there can be no doubt that the process has been correctly performed, and that the learned world may be congratulated on the final settlement of this most difficult problem. THE END.
THE DYNAMICS OF A PARTICLE. THE DYNAMICS OF A PARTI-CLE. "'Tis strange the mind, that very fiery particle, Should let itself be snuff'd out by an article." FJXST PRINTED IN 1865. JAMES PARKER AND CO. 1874. INTRODUCTION. ' It was a lovely Autumn evening, and the glorious effects of chromatic aberration were beginning to show themselves in the atmosphere as the earth revolved away from the great western luminary, when two lines might have been observed wending their weary way across a plain superficies. The elder of the two had by long practice acquired the art, so painful to young and impulsive loci, of lying evenly between her extreme points ; but the younger, in her girlish impetuosity, was ever longing to diverge and become an hyperbola or some such romantic and boundless curve. They had lived and loved : fate and the intervening superficies had hitherto kept them asunder, but this was no longer to be : a line had intersected them, making the two interior angles together less than two right angles. It was a moment never to be forgotten, and, as they journeyed on, a whisper thrilled along the superficies in isochronous waves of sound, "Yes! We shall at length meet if continually produced! " ' (Jacobi's Course of Mathematics, Chap. I.) We have commenced with the above quotation THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 61 as a striking illustration of the advantage of intro- ducing the human element into the hitherto barren region of Mathematics. Who shall say what germs of romance, hitherto unobserved, may not underlie the subject? Who can tell whether the parallelogram, which in our ignorance we have defined and drawn, and the whole of whose properties we profess to know, may not be all the while panting for exterior angles, sympathetic with the interior, or sullenly repining at the fact that it cannot be inscribed in a circle ? What mathematician has ever pondered over an hyperbola, mangling the unfortunate curve with lines of intersection here and there, in his efforts to prove some property that perhaps after all is a mere calumny, who has not fancied at last that the ill-used locus was spreading out its asymptotes as a silent rebuke, or winking one focus at him in contemptuous pity ? In some such spirit as this we have compiled the following pages. Crude and hasty as they are, they yet exhibit some of the phenomena of light, or " enlightenment," considered as a force, more fully than has hitherto been attempted by other writers. June, 1865. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. GENERAL CONSIDERATIONS. Definitions. Postulates. Axioms. Methods of Voting. On Representation. CHAPTER II. DYNAMICS OF A PARTICLE. Introductory. Definitions. On Differentiation. Propositions. CHAPTER L GENERAL CONSIDERATIONS. DEFINITIONS. i. PLAIN SUPERFICIALITY is the character of a speech, in which any two points being taken, the speaker is found to lie wholly with regard to those two points. ii. PLAIN ANGER is the inclination of two voters to one another, who meet together, but whose views are not in the same direction. in. When a Proctor, meeting another Proctor, makes the votes on one side equal to those on the other, the feeling entertained by each side is called RIGHT ANGER. IV. When two parties, coming together, feel a Right Anger, each is said to be COMPLEMENTARY to the other, (though, strictly speaking, this is very seldom the case). 64 THE LEWIS CARROLL] PICTURE BOOK v. OBTUSE ANGER is that which is greater than Right Anger. POSTULATES. i. Let it be granted, that a speaker may digress from any one point to any other point. II. That a finite argument, (i.e., one finished and disposed of,) may be produced to any extent in subsequent debates. in. That a controversy may be raised about any question, and at any distance from that question. AXIOMS. I. Men who go halves in the same (quart) are (generally) equal to another. ii. Men who take a double in the same (term) are equal to anything. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 65 ON VOTING. The different methods of voting are as follows : i. ALTERNANDO, as in the case of Mr. - , who voted for and against Mr. Gladstone, alternate elections. ii. INVERTENDO, as was done by Mr. - , who came all the way from Edinburgh to vote, handed in a blank voting paper, and so went home re- joicing. in. COMPONENDO, as was done by Mr. - , whose name appeared on both committees at once, whereby he got great praise from all men, by the space of one day. IV. DIVIDENDO, as in Mr. - -'s case, who, being sorely perplexed in his choice of candidates, voted for neither. v. CONVERTENDO, as was wonderfully exemplified by Messrs. - and - , who held a long and fierce argument on the election, in which, at the 6 66 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK end of two hours, each had vanquished and con verted the other. VI. Ex ^LQUALI IN PROPORTIONE PERTURBATA SEU INORDINATA, as in the election, when the result was for a long time equalised, and as it were held in the balance, by reason of those who had first voted on the one side seeking to pair off with those who had last arrived on the other side, and those who were last to vote on the one side being kept out by those who had first arrived on the other side, whereby, the entry to the Convo- cation House being blocked up, men could pass neither in nor out. ON REPRESENTATION. Magnitudes are algebraically represented by letters, men by men of letters, and so on. The following are the principal systems of representa- tion : 1. CARTESIAN : i.e., by means of "cartes." This system represents lines well, sometimes too well ; but fails in representing points, particularly good points. 2. POLAR : i.e., by means of the 2 poles, THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 67 " North and South." This is a very uncertain system of representation, and one that cannot safely be depended upon. 3. TRILINEAR : i e., by means of a line which takes 3 different courses. Such a line is usually expressed by three letters, as W.E.G. That the principle of Representation was known to the ancients is abundantly exemplified by Thucydides, who tells us that the favourite cry of encouragement during a trireme race was that touching allusion to Polar Co-ordinates which is still heard during the races of our own time, "/5, p6, cos #, they're gaining !" CHAPTER II. DYNAMICS OF A PARTICLE. Particles are logically divided according to GENIUS and SPEECHES. GENIUS is the higher classification, and this, combined with DIFFERENTIA (i.e., difference of opinion), produces SPEECHES. These again naturally divide themselves into three heads. 68 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK Particles belonging to the great order of GENIUS are called " able " or t( enlightened." DEFINITIONS. i. A SURD is a radical whose meaning cannot be exactly ascertained. This class comprises a very ] arge number of particles. ii. INDEX indicates the degree, or power, to which a particle is raised. It consists of two letters, placed to the right of the symbol representing the particle. Thus, 4 ' A. A." signifies the oth degree ; " B.A." the ist degree ; and so on, till we reach " M.A." the 2nd degree (the intermediate letters indicating fractions of a degree) ; the last two usually employed being " R.A." (the reader need hardly be reminded of that beautiful line in The Princess " Go dress yourself, Dinah, like a gorgeous R.A.") and " S.A." This last indicates the 36oth degree, and denotes that the particle in question (which is 1th part of the function E + R " Essays and Reviews ") has effected a complete revolution, and that the result = o. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 69 III. MOMENT is the product of the mass into the velocity. To discuss this subject fully, would lead us too far into the subject Vis Viva, and we must content ourselves with mentioning the fact that no moment is ever really lost, by fully en- lightened Particles. It is scarcely necessary to quote the well-known passage : " Every moment, that can be snatched from academical duties, is devoted to furthering the cause of the popular Chancellor of the Exchequer." (Clarendon, " History of the Great Rebellion.") IV. A COUPLE consists of a moving particle, raised to the degree M.A., and combined with what is technically called a "better half." The following are the principal characteristics of a Couple : (i) It may be easily transferred from point to point. (2) Whatever force of translation was possessed by the uncombined particle (and this is often considerable), is wholly lost when the Couple is formed. (3) The two forces constituting the Couple habitually act in opposite directions. 70 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK ON DIFFERENTIATION. The effect of Differentiation on a Particle is very remarkable, the first Differential being fre- quently of a greater value than the original Particle, and the second of less enlightenment. For example, let L = " Leader," S = " Satur- day," and then L.S. = " Leader in the Saturday" (a particle of no assignable value). Differen- tiating once, we get L.S.D., a function of great value. Similarly it will be found that, by taking the second Differential of an enlightened Particle (i.e., raising it to the degree D.D.), the enlighten- ment becomes rapidly less. The effect is much increased by the addition of a C : in this case the enlightenment often vanishes altogether, and the Particle becomes conservative. It should be observed that, whenever the symbol L is used to denote " Leader," it must be affected with the sign : this serves to indicate that its action is sometimes positive and sometimes negative some particles of this class having the property of drawing others after them (as "a Leader of an army"), and others of repelling them (as "a Leader of the Times "). THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 71 PROPOSITIONS. Prop. I. Pr. To find the value of a given Examiner. Example. A takes in ten books in the Final Examination, and gets a 3rd Class : B takes in the Examiners, and gets a 2nd. Find the value of the Examiners in terms of books. Find also their value in terms in which no Examination is held. Prop. II. Pr. To estimate Profit and Loss. Example. Given a Derby Prophet, who has sent three different winners to three different betting men, and given that none of the three horses are placed. Find the total Loss incurred by the three men (a) in money, ()3) in temper. Find also the Prophet. Is this latter generally possible ? Prop. III. Pr. To estimate the direction of a line. Example. Prove that the definition of a line, according to Walton, coincides with that of Salmon, only that they begin at opposite ends. 72 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK If such a line be divided by Frost's method, find its value according to Price. Prop. IV. Th. The end (i.e., " the product of the extremes,") justifies (i.e., "is equal to " see Latin "aequus,") the means. No example is appended to this Proposition, for obvious reasons. Prop. V. Pr. To continue a given series. Example. A and B, who are respectively addicted to Fours and Fives, occupy the same set of rooms, which is always at Sixes and Sevens. Find the probable amount of reading done by A and B while the Eights are on. We proceed to illustrate this hasty sketch of the Dynamics of a Parti-cle, by demonstrating the great Proposition on which the whole theory of Representation depends, namely, " To remove a given Tangent from a given Circle, and to bring another given Line into Contact with it." To work the following problem algebraically, THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 73 it is best to let the circle be represented as re- ferred to its two tangents, i.e., first to WEG, WH, and afterwards to WH, GH. When this is effected, it will be found most convenient to project WEG to infinity. The process is not given here in full, since it requires the introduc- tion of many complicated determinants. Prop. VI. Pr. To remove a given Tangent from a given Circle, and to bring another given Line into contact with it. Let UN IV be a Large Circle, whose centre is O (V being, of course, placed at the top), and let WGH be a triangle, two of whose sides, WEG and WH, are in contact with the circle, while GH (called "the base" by liberal mathema- 74 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK ticians,) is not in contact with it. (See Fig. T.) It is required to destroy the contact of WEG, and to bring GH into contact instead. Let I be the point of maximum illumination of the circle, and therefore E the point of maximum enlightenment of the triangle. (E of course varying perversely as the square of the distance from O). Let WH be fixed absolutely, and remain always in contact with the circle, and let the direction of OI be also fixed. Now, so long as WEG preserves a perfectly straight course, GH cannot possibly come into contact with the circle ; but if the force of illumi- nation, acting along OI, cause it to bend (as in Fig. 2), a partial revolution on the part of WEG and GH is effected, WEG ceases to touch the circle, and GH is immediately brought into con- tact with it. Q.E.F. The theory involved in the foregoing Proposi- tion is at present much controverted, and its supporters are called upon to show what is the fixed point, or "locus standi" on which they pro- pose to effect the necessary revolution. To make this clear, we must go to the original Greek, and THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 75 remind our readers that the true point or " locus standi " is in this case ap&e, (or a/o&c according to modern usage), and therefore must not be assigned to WEG. In reply to this it is urged that, in a matter like the present, a single word cannot be considered a satisfactory explanation, such as It should also be observed that the revolution here discussed is entirely the effect of enlighten- ment, since particles, when illuminated to such an extent as actually to become #we, are always found to diverge more or less widely from each other; though undoubtedly the radical force of the word is "union" or "friendly feeling." The reader will find in " Liddell and Scott " a remark- able illustration of this, from which it appears to be an essential condition that the feeling should be entertained QopaSriv, and that the particle enter- taining it should belong to the genus O-KOTOC, and should therefore be, nominally at least, unen- lightened. THE END.
FACTS, FIGURES, AND FANCIES, RELATING TO THE ELECTIONS TO THE HEBDOMADAL COUNCIL, THE OFFER OF THE CLARENDON TRUSTEES, AND THE PROPOSAL TO CONVERT THE PARKS INTO CRICKET-GROUNDS. Thrice the hrinded cat hath mewed." FIRST PRINTED IN 1866-1868. iforfc : JAMES PARKER AND CO. 1874. INTRODUCTORY. I. THE ELECTIONS TO THE HEBDOMADAL COUNCIL. In the year 1866, a Letter with the above title was published in Oxford, addressed to the Senior Censor of Christ Church, with the twofold object of revealing to the University a vast political misfortune which it had unwittingly encountered, and of suggesting a remedy which should at once alleviate the bitterness of the calamity and secure the sufferers from its re- currence. The misfortune thus revealed was no less than the fact that, at a recent election of Members to the Hebdomadal Council, tivo Conservatives had been chosen, thus giving a Conservative majority in the Council ; and the remedy sug- gested was a sufficiently sweeping one, embracing, as it did, the following details : 1. "The exclusion" (from Congregation) "of the non- academical elements which form a main part of the strength of this party domination." These " elements " are afterwards enumerated as " the parish clergy and the professional men of the city, and chaplains who are without any academical occupation." 2. The abolition of the Hebdomadal Council. 3. The abolition of the legislative functions of Convoca- tion. These are all the main features of this remarkable scheme of Reform, unless it be necessary to add 4. "To preside over a Congregation with full legislative powers, the Vice-Chancellor ought no doubt to be a man of real capacity." But it would be invidious to suppose that there was any intention of suggesting this as a novelty. The following rhythmical version of the Letter developes THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 79 its principles to an extent which possibly the writer had never contemplated. II. THE OFFER OF THE CLARENDON TRUSTEES. Letter from Mr. Gladstone to the Vice- Chancellor. DEAR MR. VICE-CHANCELLOR, The Clarendon Trustees . . are ready, in concert with the University, to consider of the best mode of applying the funds belonging to them for "adding to the New Museum Physical Laboratories and other accommodation requisite for the department of Experimental Philosophy.'' . . . I have the honour to remain, Dear Mr. Vice-Chancellor, Very faithfully yours, May 3, 1867. W. E. GLADSTONE. The following passages are quoted from a paper which appeared on the subject. " As Members of Convocation are called upon to consider the offer of the Clarendon Trustees, to employ the funds at their disposal in the erection of additional buildings to facili- tate the study of Physics, they may perhaps find it useful to have a short statement of the circumstances which render additional buildings necessary, and of the nature of the accommodation required." "Again, it is often impossible to carry on accurate Physical experiments in close contiguity to one another, owing to their mutual interference ; and consequently different processes need different rooms, in which these delicate instruments, which 8o THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK are always required in a particular branch of science, have to be carefully and permanently fixed." " It may be sufficient, in order to give an idea of the number of rooms required, to enumerate the chief branches of Physics which require special accommodation, owing to their mutual interference. (1) Weighing and measuring. (2) Heat. (3) Radiant Heat. (4) Dispersion of Light. Spectrum Analysis, &c. (5) General optics. (6) Statical electricity. (7) Dynamical electricity. (8) Magnetism. (9) Acoustics. Of these, (5) requires one large room or three smaller rooms, and these, together with those devoted to (3) and (4), should have a south aspect. Besides the fixed instruments, there is a large quantity of movable apparatus, which is either used with them or employed in illustrating lectures ; and this must be carefully preserved from causes of deterioration when not in use ; for this purpose a large room fitted with glass cases is required. A store-room for chemicals and other materials used is also necessary." " As Photography is now very much employed in multiply- ing results of observation, in constructing diagrams for lec- tures, &c., and as it is in fact a branch of Physics, a small Photographic room is necessary, both for general use and for studying the subject itself." THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 81 III. THE PROPOSAL TO CONVERT THE PARKS INTO CRICKET-GROUNDS. Notice from the Vice-Chancellor. " A form of Decree to the following effect will be pro- posed : " i. That the Curators of the Parks be authorised to receive applications from Members of the University for Cricket- grounds in the Parks, and that public notice be issued to that effect, a time being fixed within which applications are to be sent in. " 2. That at the expiration of such time the Curators be authorised to make Cricket-grounds, and allot them to Cricket- clubs or Colleges from which applications have been received, according to priority of application. . . . " F. K. LEIGHTON, " Vice-Chancellor. " April 29, 1867." THE ELECTIONS TO THE HEBDOMADAL COUNCIL. " Now is the winter of our discontent." ' " HEARD ye the arrow hurtle in the sky ? Heard ye the dragon-monster's deathful cry ? "- Excuse this sudden burst of the Heroic ; The present state of things would vex a Stoic ! And just as Sairey Gamp, for pains within, Administered a modicum of gin, So does my mind, when vexed and ill at ease, Console itself with soothing similes. 1 Dr. Wynter, President of St. John's, one of the recently elected Con- servative members of Council. 82 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK The " dragon -monster " (pestilential schism !) I need not tell you is Conservatism ; The " hurtling arrow " (till we find a better) Is represented by the present Letter. Twas, I remember, but the other day, Dear Senior Censor, that you chanced to say You thought these party-combinations would Be found, " though needful, no unmingled good. ' Unmingled good ? They are unmingled ill ! l / never took to them, and never will What am I saying ? Heed it not, my friend : On the next page I mean to recommend The very dodges that I now condemn } In the Conservatives ! Don't hint to them > A word of this ! (In confidence. Ahem !) ) Need I rehearse the history of Jowett ? I need not, Senior Censor, for you know it. 3 That was the Board Hebdomadal, and oh ! Who would be free, themselves must strike the blow ! Let each that wears a beard, and each that shaves, Join in the cry " We never will be slaves ! " " But can the University afford " To be a slave to any kind of board ? " A slave ? " you shuddering ask. " Think you it can, Sir?" " Not at the present moment" is my answer. 4 1 "In a letter on a point connected with the late elections to the Hebdomadal Council you incidentally remarked to me that our combina- tions for these elections, 'though necessary were not an unmixed good.' They are an unmixed evil." 2 " I never go to a caucus without reluctance : I never write a canvassing letter without a feeling of repugnance to my task. " 3 " I need not rehearse the history of the Regius Professor of Greek." 4 " The University cannot afford at the present moment to be delivered over as a slave to any non-academical interest whatever." THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 83 I've thought the matter o'er and o'er again And given to it all my powers of brain ; I've thought it out, and this is what I make it, (And I don't care a Tory how you take it :) It may be right to go ahead, / guess: It may be right to stop, I do confess ; Also, it may be right to retrogress.* So says the oracle, and, for myself, I Must say it beats to fits the one at Delphi ! To save beloved Oxford from the yoke, (For this majority's beyond a joke,) We must combine, 2 aye ! hold a <r Unless we want to get another beating. That they should " bottle " us is nothing new But shall they bottle us and caucus too ? See the " fell unity of purpose " now With which Obstructives plunge into the row ! 4 "Factious Minorities," we used to sigh " Factious Majorities ! " is now the cry. " Votes ninety-two " no combination here : " Votes ninety-three " conspiracy, 'tis clear ! 5 You urge " 'Tis but a unit." I reply That in that unit lurks their " unity." 1 " It may be right to go on, it may be right to stand still, or it may be right to go back." 2 "To save the University from going completely under the yoke . . . we shall still be obliged to combine." 3 " Caucus-holding and wire-pulling would still be almost inevitably carried on to some extent. " 4 "But what are we to do? Mere is a great political and theological party . . . labouring under perfect discipline and with fell unity of purpose, to hold the University in subjection, and fill her government with its nominees." 5 At a recent election to Council, the Liberals mustered ninety-two votes, and the Conservatives ninety-three ; whereupon the latter were charged with having obtained their victory by a conspiracy. 84 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK Our voters often bolt, and often baulk us, But then, they never, never go to caucus ! Our voters can't forget the maxim famous " Seme/ electum semper eligamus " ; They never can be worked into a ferment By visionary promise of preferment, Nor taught, by hints of " Paradise " ' beguiled, To whisper " C for Chairman " like a child ! 2 And thus the friends that we have tempted down Oft take the two-o'clock Express for town.3 This is our danger : this the secret foe That aims at Oxford such a deadly blow. What champion can we find to save the State, To crush the plot ? We darkly whisper " Wait ! " < My scheme is this : remove the votes of all The residents that are not Liberal 5 Leave the young Tutors uncontrolled and free, And Oxford then shall see what it shall see. What next ? Why then, I say, let Convocation Be shorn of all her powers of legislation. 6 1 " Not to mention that, as we cannot promise Paradise to our supporters they are very apt to take the train for London just l>efore the election." 2 It is not known to what the word " Paradise " was intended to allude, and therefore the hint, here thrown out, that the writer meant to recall the case of the late Chairman of Mr. Gladstone's committee, who had been recently collated to the See of Chester, is wholly wanton and gratuitous. 3 A case of this kind had actually occurred on the occasion of the division just alluded to. 4 Mr. Wayte, now President of Trinity, then put forward as the Liberal candidate for election to Council. 5 " You and others suggest, as the only effective remedy, that the Con- stituency should be reformed, by the exclusion of the non-academical elements which form a main part of the strength of this party domination." 6 " I confess that, having included all the really academical elements in Congregation, I would go boldly on, and put an end to the legislative functions of Convocation." THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 85 But why stop there ? Let us go boldly on Sweep everything beginning with a "Con" Into oblivion ! Convocation first, Conservatism next, and, last and worst, " Concilium Hebdomadale " must, Consumed and conquered, be consigned to dust ! ' And here I must relate a little fable I heard last Saturday at our high table : The cats, it seems, were masters of the house, And held their own against the rat and mouse : Of course the others couldn't stand it long, So held a caucus, (not, in their case, wrong ;) And, when they were assembled to a man, Uprose an aged rat, and thus began : " Brothers in bondage ! Shall we bear to be For ever left in a minority ? With what " fell unity of purpose " cats Oppose the trusting innocence of rats ! So unsuspicious are we of disguise, Their machinations take us by surprise 2 Insulting and tyrannical absurdities ! 3 It is too bad by half upon my word it is ! For, now that these Con , cats, I should say, (frizzle 'em !) Are masters, they exterminate like Islam ! 4 How shall we deal with them ? I'll tell you how : Let none but kittens be allowed to miaow ! 1 "This conviction, that while we have Elections to Council we shall not entirely get rid of party organisation and its evils, leads me to venture a step further, and to raise the question whether it is really necessary that we should have an Elective Council for legislative purposes at all." 2 " Sometimes, indeed, not being informed that the wires are at work, we are completely taken by surprise." 3 "We are without protection against this most insulting and tyrannical absurdity." 4 " It is as exterminating as Islam." 86 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK The Liberal kittens seize us but in play, And, while they frolic, we can run away : But older cats are not so generous, Their claws are too Conservative for us ! Then let them keep the stable and the oats, While kittens, rats, and mice have all the votes. " Yes ; banish cats ! The kittens would not use Their powers for blind obstruction, 1 nor refuse To let us sip the cream and gnaw the cheese How glorious then would be our destinies ! 2 Kittens and rats would occupy the throne, And rule the larder for itself alone ! " 3 So rhymed my friend, and asked me what I thought of it I told him that so much as I had caught of it Appeared to me (as I need hardly mention) Entirely undeserving of attention. But now, to guide the Congregation, when It numbers none but really " able " men, A " Vice- Cacellar ins" will be needed Of every kind of human weakness weeded ! Is such the president that we have got ? He ought no doubt to be ; why should he not ? * I do not hint that Liberals should dare 1 "Their powers would scarcely be exercised for the purposes of fanaticism, or in a spirit of blind obstruction." 2 " These narrow local bounds, within which our thoughts and schemes have hitherto been pent, will begin to disappear, and a far wider sphere of action will open on the view." 3 "Those councils must be freely opened to all who can serve her well and who will serve her for herself." 4 " To preside over a Congregation with full legislative powers, the Vice- Chancellor ought no doubt to be a man of real capacity ; but why should he not ? His mind ought also, for this as well as for his other high functions, to be clear of petty details, and devoted to the great matters of University business ; but why should not this condition also be fulfilled ? " THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 87 To oust the present holder of the chair But surely he would not object to be Gently examined by a Board of three ? Their duty being just to ascertain That he's " all there " (I mean, of course, in brain,) And that his mind, from " petty details " clear, Is fitted for the duties of his sphere. All this is merely moonshine, till we get The seal of Parliament upon it set. A word then, Senior Censor, in your ear : The Government is in a state of fear Like some old gentleman, abroad at night, Seized with a sudden shiver of affright, Who offers money, on his bended knees, To the first skulking vagabond he sees Now is the lucky moment for our task ; They daren't refuse us anything we ask ! T And then our Fellowships shall open be To Intellect, no meaner quality ! No moral excellence, no social fitness Shall ever be admissible as witness. " Avaunt, dull Virtue ! " is Oxonia's cry : " Come to my arms, ingenious Villainy ! " For Classic Fellowships, an honour high, Simonides and Co. will then apply Our Mathematics will to Oxford bring The 'cutest members of the betting-ring Law Fellowships will start upon their journeys A myriad of unscrupulous attorneys 1 " If you apply now to Parliament for this or any other University reform, you will find the House of Commons in a propitious mood. . . . Even the Conservative Government, as it looks for the support of moderate Liberals on the one great subject, is very unwilling to present itself in such an aspect that these men may not be able decently to give it their support." 88 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK While poisoners, doomed till now to toil unknown, Shall mount the Physical Professor's throne ! And thus would Oxford educate, indeed, Men far beyond a merely local need With no career before them, I may say, 1 Unless they're wise enough to go away, And seek far West, or in the distant East, Another flock of pigeons to be fleeced. I might go on, and trace the destiny Of Oxford in an age which, though it be Thus breaking with tradition, owns a new Allegiance to the intellectual few (I mean, of course, the pshaw ! no matter who !) But, were I to pursue the boundless theme, I fear that I should seem to you to dream. 2 This to fulfil, or even humbler far To shun Conservatism's noxious star And all the evils that it brings behind, These pestilential coils must be untwined The party-coils, that clog the march of Mind Choked in whose meshes Oxford, slowly wise, Has lain for three disastrous centuries.3 Away with them ! (It is for this I yearn !) Each twist untwist, each Turner overturn ! Disfranchise each Conservative, and cancel 1 " With open Fellowships, Oxford will soon produce a supply of men fit for the work of high education far beyond her own local demands, and in fact with no career before them unless a career can be opened elsewhere." 2 " I should seem to you to dream if I were to say what I think the destiny of the University may be in an age which, though it is breaking with tradition, is, from the same causes, owning a new allegiance to intellectual authority." 3 "But to fulfil this, or even a far humbler destiny to escape the opposite lot -the pestilential coils of party, in which the University has lain for three disastrous centuries choked, must be untwined." THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 89 The votes of Michell, Liddon, Wall, and Mansel ! Then, then shall Oxford be herself again, Neglect the heart, and cultivate the brain Then this shall be the burden of our song, " All change is good whatever is, is wrong ' Then Intellect's proud flag shall be unfurled, And Brain, and Brain alone, shall rule the world ! THE OFFER OF THE CLARENDON TRUSTEES. " Accommodated : that is, when a man is, as they say, accommodated ; or when a man is being whereby he may be thought to be accommodated ; which is an excel- lent thing." DEAR SENIOR CENSOR, In a desultory con- versation on a point connected with the dinner at our high table, you incidentally remarked to me that lobster-sauce, " though a necessary adjunct to turbot, was not entirely wholesome." It is entirely unwholesome. I never ask for it without reluctance : I never take a second spoon- ful without a feeling of apprehension on the subject of possible nightmare. 1 This naturally brings me to the subject of Mathematics, and of the accommodation provided by the Uni- 1 See page 82, Notes i, 2. 9 o THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK versity for carrying on the calculations necessary in that important branch of Science. As Members of Convocation are called upon (whether personally, or, as is less exasperating, by letter) to consider the offer of the Clarendon Trustees, as well as every other subject of human, or inhuman, interest, capable of consideration, it has occurred to me to suggest for your considera- tion how desirable roofed buildings are for carry- ing on mathematical calculations : in fact, the variable character of the weather in Oxford renders it highly inexpedient to attempt much occupation, of a sedentary nature, in the open air. Again, it is often impossible for students to carry on accurate mathematical calculations in close contiguity to one another, owing to their mutual interference, and a tendency to general conversation : consequently these processes re- quire different rooms in which irrepressible con- versationists, who are found to occur in every branch of Society, might be carefully and per- manently fixed. It may be sufficient for the present to enume- rate the following requisites ; others might be added as funds permitted. A. A very large room for calculating Greatest THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 91 Common Measure. To this a small one might be attached for Least Common Multiple : this, however, might be dispensed with. B. A piece of open ground for keeping Roots and practising their extraction : it would be advisable to keep Square Roots by themselves, as their corners are apt to damage others. C. A room for reducing Fractions to their Lowest Terms. This should be provided with a cellar for keeping the Lowest Terms when found, which might also be available to the general body of Undergraduates, for the purpose of " keeping Terms." D. A large room, which might be darkened, and fitted up with a magic lantern for the purpose of exhibiting Circulating Decimals in the act of circulation. This might also contain cupboards, fitted with glass-doors, for keeping the various Scales of Notation. E. A narrow strip of ground, railed off and carefully levelled, for investigating the properties of Asymptotes, and testing practically whether Parallel Lines meet or not : for this purpose it should reach, to use the expressive language of Euclid, " ever so far." This last process, of " continually producing the 92 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK Lines," may require centuries or more : but such a period, though long in the life of an individual, is as nothing in the life of the University. As Photography is now very much employed in recording human expressions, and might pos- sibly be adapted to Algebraical Expressions, a small photographic room would be desirable, both for general use and for representing the various phenomena of Gravity, Disturbance of Equi- librium, Resolution, &c., which affect the features during severe mathematical operations. May I trust that you will give your immediate attention to this most important subject ? Believe me, Sincerely yours, Feb. 6, 1868. MATHEMATICUS THE DESERTED PARKS. "SOLITUDINUM FACIUNT : FARCUM APPELLANT." Museum ! loveliest building of the plain Where Cherwell winds towards the distant main ; How often have I loitered o'er thy green, Where humble happiness endeared the scene ! How often have I paused on every charm, The rustic couple walking arm in arm The groups of trees, with seats beneath the shade THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 93 For prattling babes and whisp'ring lovers made The never-failing brawl, the busy mill Where tiny urchins vied in fistic skill (Two phrases only have that dusky race Caught from the learned influence of the place ; Phrases in their simplicity sublime, " Scramble a copper ! " " Please, Sir, what's the time ? " These round thy walks their cheerful influence shed ; These were thy charms but all these charms are fled. Amidst thy bowers the tyrant's hand is seen, And rude pavilions sadden all thy green ; One selfish pastime grasps the whole domain, And half a faction swallows up the plain ; Adown thy glades, all sacrificed to cricket, The hollow-sounding bat now guards the wicket ; Sunk are thy mounds in shapeless level all, Lest aught impede the swiftly rolling ball ; And trembling, shrinking from the fatal blow, Far, far away thy hapless children go. Ill fares the place, to luxury a prey, Where wealth accumulates, and minds decay ; Athletic sports may flourish or may fade, Fashion may make them, even as it has made ; But the broad Parks, the city's joy and pride, When once destroyed can never be supplied ! Ye friends to truth, ye statesmen, who survey The rich man's joys increase, the poor's decay, 'Tis yours to judge, how wide the limits stand Between a splendid and a happy land. Proud swells go by with laugh of hollow joy, And shouting Folly hails them with " Ahoy ! " Funds even beyond the miser's wish abound, And rich men flock from all the world around. Yet count our gains. This wealth is but a name, 94 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK That leaves our useful products still the same. Not so the loss. The man of wealth and pride Takes up a space that many poor supplied ; Space for the game, and all its instruments, Space for pavilions and for scorers' tents ; The ball, that raps his shins in padding cased, Has worn the verdure to an arid waste ; His Park, where these exclusive sports are seen, Indignant spurns the rustic from the green ; While through the plain, consigned to silence all, In barren splendour flits the russet ball. In peaceful converse with his brother Don, Here oft the calm Professor wandered on ; Strange words he used men drank with wondering ears The languages called "dead," the tongues of other years. (Enough of Heber ! Let me once again Attune my verse to Goldsmith's liquid strain.) A man he was to undergraduates dear, And passing rich with forty pounds a year. And so, I ween, he would have been till now, Had not his friends ('twere long to tell you how) Prevailed on him, Jack-Horner-like, to try Some method to evaluate his pie, And win from those dark depths, with skilful thumb, Five times a hundredweight of luscious plum Yet for no thirst of wealth, no love of praise, In learned labour he consumed his days ! O Luxury ! thou cursed by Heaven's decree, How ill exchanged are things like these for thee ! How do thy potions, with insidious joy, Diffuse their pleasures only to destroy ; Iced cobbler, Badminton, and shandy-gaff, Rouse the loud jest and idiotic laugh ; Inspired by them, to tipsy greatness grown, THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 95 Men boast a florid vigour not their own ; At every draught more wild and wild they grow ; While pitying friends observe " I told you so ! " Till, summoned to their post, at the first ball, A feeble under-hand, their wickets fall. Even now the devastation is begun, And half the business of destruction done ; Even now, methinks while pondering here in pity, I see the rural Virtues leave the city. Contented Toil, and calm scholastic Care, And frugal Moderation, all are there ; Resolute Industry that scorns the lure Of careless mirth that dwells apart secure- To science gives her days, her midnight oil, Cheered by the sympathy of others' toil- Courtly Refinement, and that Taste in dress That brooks no meanness, yet avoids excess- All these I see, with slow reluctant pace Desert the long-beloved and honoured place ! While yet 'tis time, Oxonia, rise and fling The spoiler from thee : grant no parleying ! Teach him that eloquence, against the wrong, Though very poor, may still be very strong ; That party-interests we must forego, When hostile to " pro bono publico "; That faction's empire hastens to its end, When once mankind to common sense attend ; While independent votes may win the day Even against the potent spell of " Play ! " May, 1867. THE END.
THE NEW BELFRY OF CHRIST CHURCH, OXFORD. A MONOGRAPH BY D. C. L. " A thing of beauty is a joy for ever." East view of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch., as seen from the Meadow. SECOND THOUSAND. JAMES PARKER AND CO. 1872. CONTENTS. i. On the etymological significance of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 2. On the style of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 3. On the origin of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. ^ 4. On the chief architectural merit of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 5. On the other architectural merits of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 6. On the means of obtaining the best views of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 7. On the impetus given to Art in England by the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 8. On the feelings with which old Ch. Ch. men regard the new Belfry. 9. On the feelings with which resident Ch. Ch. men regard the new Belfry. 10. On the logical treatment of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. IT. On the dramatic treatment of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 12. On the Future of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. 13. On the Moral of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. i. On the etymological significance of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The word " Belfry " is derived from the French bel, "beautiful, becoming, meet," and from the German frei, " free, unfettered, secure, safe." Thus the word is strictly equivalent to " meat- safe," to which the new belfry bears a resemblance so perfect as almost to amount to coincidence. 2. On the style of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The style is that which is usually known as " Early Debased " : very early, and remarkably debased. 3. On the origin of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. Outsiders have enquired, with a persistence verging on personality, and with a recklessness scarcely distinguishable from insanity, to whom we are to attribute the first grand conception of the work. Was it the Treasurer, say they, who thus strove to force it on an unwilling House? Was it a Professor who designed this box, which, 103 104 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK whether with a lid on or not, equally offends the eye ? Or was it a Censor whose weird spells evoked the horrid thing, the bane of this and of succeeding generations ? Until some reply is given to these and similar questions, they must and will remain for ever unanswered ! On this point Rumour has been unusually busy. Some say that the Governing Body evolved the idea in solemn conclave the original motion being to adopt the Tower of St. Mark's at Venice as a model ; and that by a series of amendments it was reduced at last to a simple cube. Others say that the Reader in Chemistry suggested it as a form of crystal. There are others who affirm that the Mathematical Lecturer found it in the Eleventh Book of Euclid. In fact, there is no end to the various myths afloat on the subject. Most fortunately, we are in possession of the real story. The true origin of the design is as follows : we have it on the very best authority. The head of the House, and the architect, feeling a natural wish that their names should be embodied, in some conspicuous way, among the alterations then in progress, conceived the beautiful and unique idea of representing, by THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 105 means of the new Belfry, a gigantic copy of a Greek Lexicon. 1 But, before the idea had been reduced to a working form, business took them both to London for a few days, and during their absence, somehow (this part of the business has never been satisfactorily explained) the whole thing was put into the hands of a wandering architect, who gave the name of Jeeby. As the poor man is now incarcerated at Han well, we will not be too hard upon his memory, but will only say that he professed to have originated the idea in a moment of inspiration, when idly contemplating one of those high coloured, and mysteriously decorated chests which, filled with dried leaves from gooseberry bushes and quick- set hedges, profess to supply the market with tea of genuine Chinese growth. Was there not something prophetic in the choice ? What traveller is there, to whose lips, when first he enters that great educational establishment and gazes on this its newest decoration, the words do not rise unbidden " Thou tea-chest "? 1 The Editor confesses to a difficulty here. No sufficient reason has been adduced why a model of a Greek Lexicon should in any way " embody " the names of the above illus- trious individuals. io6 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK It is plain then that Scott, the great architect to whom the work of restoration has been en- trusted, is not responsible for this. He is said to have pronounced it a " casus belli," which (with all deference to the Classical Tutors of the House, who insist that he meant merely " a case for a bell ") we believe to have been intended as a term of reproach. The following lines are attributed to Scott : " If thou wouldst view the Belfry aright, Go visit it at the mirk midnight For the least hint of open day Scares the beholder quite away. When wall and window are black as pitch, And there's no deciding which is which ; When the dark Hall's uncertain roof In horror seems to stand aloof ; When corner and corner, alternately, Is wrought to an odious symmetry : When distant Thames is heard to sigh And shudder as he hurries by ; Then go, if it be worth the while, Then view the Belfry's monstrous pile, And, home returning, soothly swear, * Tis more than Job himself could bear ! ' " 4. On the chief architectural merit of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. Its chief merit is its simplicity a simplicity so THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 107 pure, so profound, in a word, so simple, that no other word will fitly describe it. The meagre outline, and baldness of detail, of the present Chapter, are adopted in humble imitation of this great feature. 5. On the other architectural merits of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The Belfry has no other architectural merits. 6. On the means of obtaining the best views of the neiv Belfry, Ch. Ch. The visitor may place himself, in the first in- stance, at the opposite corner of the Great Quad- rangle, and so combine, in one grand spectacle, the beauties of the North and West sides of the edifice. He will find that the converging lines forcibly suggest a vanishing point, and if that vanishing point should in its turn suggest the thought, " Would that it were on the point of vanishing ! " he may perchance, like the soldier in the ballad, " lean upon his sword " (if he has one : they are not commonly worn by modern tourists), " and wipe away a tear." io8 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK He may then make the circuit of the Quadrangle, drinking in new visions of beauty at every step " Ever charming, ever new, When will the Belfry tire the view ? " as Dyer sings in his well-known poem, " Grongar Hill" and as he walks along from the Deanery towards the Hall staircase, and breathes more and more freely as the Belfry lessens on the view, the delicious sensation of relief, which he will expe- rience when it has finally disappeared, will amply repay him for all he will have endured. The best view of the Belfry is that selected by our artist for the admirable frontispiece which he has furnished for the first volume of the present work. 1 This view may be seen, in all its beauty, from the far end of Merton Meadow. From that point the imposing position (or, more briefly, the imposition) of the whole structure is thrill- ingly apparent. There the thoughtful passer-by, with four right angles on one side of him, and four anglers, who have no right to be there, on the other, may ponder on the mutability of human things, or recall the names of Euclid and Isaak 1 On further consideration, it was deemed inexpedient to extend this work beyond the compass of one Volume. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 109 Walton, or smoke, or ride a bicycle, or do any- thing that the local authorities will permit. 7. On the impetus given to Art in England by the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The idea has spread far and wide, and is rapidly pervading all branches of manufacture. Already an enterprising maker of bonnet-boxes is ad- vertising " the Belfry pattern " : two builders of bathing machines at Ramsgate have followed his example : one of the great London houses is supplying "bar-soap" cut in the same striking and symmetrical form : and we are credibly informed that Berwick's Baking Powder and Thorley's Food for Cattle are now sold in no other shape. 8. On the feelings with which old Ch. Ch. men regard the new Belfry. Bitterly, bitterly do all old Ch. Ch. men lament this latest lowest development of native taste. " We see the Governing Body," say they : " where is the Governing Mind? " and Echo (exercising a judicious " natural selection," for which even Darwin would give her credit) answers "where? ' no THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK At the approaching " Gaucty," when a number of old Ch. Ch. men will gather together, it is pro- posed, at the conclusion of the banquet, to present to each guest a portable model of the new Belfry, tastefully executed in cheese. 9. On the feelings with which resident Ch. Ch. men regard the new Belfry. Who that has seen a Ch. Ch. man conducting his troop of ''lionesses" (so called from the savage and pitiless greed with which they devour the various sights of Oxford) through its ancient precincts, that has noticed the convulsive start and ghastly stare that always affect new-comers, when first they come into view of the new Belfry, that has heard the eager questions with which they assail their guide as to the how, the why, the what for, and the how long, of this astounding phenomenon, can have failed to mark the manly glow which immediately suffuses the cheek of the hapless cicerone ? " Is it the glow of conscious pride Of pure ambition gratified That seeks to read in other eye Something of its own ecstasy ? Or wrath, that worldlings should make fun THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK in Of anything ' the House ' has done ? Or puzzlement, that seeks in vain The rigid mystery to explain ? Or is it shame that, knowing not How to defend or cloak the blot The foulest blot on fairest face That ever marred a noble place Burns with the pangs it will not own, Pangs felt by loyal sons alone ? " 10. On the logical treatment of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The subject has been reduced to three Syllo- gisms. The first is in " Barbara." It is attributed to the enemies of the Belfry. Wooden buildings in the midst of stone- work are barbarous ; Plain rectangular forms in the midst of arches and decorations are barbarous ; Ergo, the whole thing is ridiculous and revolting. The second is in " Celarent," and has been most carefully composed by the friends of the Belfry. The Governing Body would conceal this appalling structure, if they could ; The Governing Body would conceal the feelings of chagrin with which they now regard it, if they could ; Ergo . . . (MS. unfinished}. The third Syllogism is in " Festino," and is ii2 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK the joint composition of the friends and the enemies of the Belfry. To restore the character of Ch. Ch., a tower must be built ; To build a tower, ten thousand pounds must be raised ; Ergo, no time must be lost. These three Syllogisms have been submitted to the criticism of the Professor of Logic, who writes that " he fancies he can detect some slight want of logical sequence in the Conclusion of the third." He adds that, according to his experience of life, when people thus commit a fatal blunder in child-like confidence that money will be forth- coming to enable them to set it right, in ten cases out of nine the money is not forthcoming. This is a large percentage. 11. On the dramatic treatment of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. Curtain rises, discovering the DEAN, CANONS, and STUDENTS seated round a table, on which the mad ARCHITECT, fantastically dressed, and wearing a Fool's cap and bells, is placing a square block of deal. DEAN (As HAMLET). Methinks I see a Bell- tower ! THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 113 CANONS (Looking wildly in all directions]. Where, my good Sir ? DEAN. In my mind's eye - - (Knocking heard] Who's there ? FOOL. A spirit, a spirit ; he says his name's poor Tom. (Enter THE GREAT BELL, disguised as a mush- room. ) GREAT BELL. Who gives anything to poor Tom, whom the foul fiend hath led through bricks and through mortar, through rope and windlass, through plank and scaffold ; that hath torn down his balustrades, and torn up his terraces ; that hath made him go as a common pedlar, with a wooden box upon his back. Do poor Tom some charity. Tom's a-cold. Rafters and planks, and such small deer, Shall be Tom's food for many a year. CENSOR. I feared it would come to this. DEAN (As KING LEAR). The little Dons and all, Tutor, Reader, Lecturer see, they bark at me ! CENSOR. His wits begin to unsettle. DEAN (As HAMLET). Do you see yonder box that's almost in shape of a tea-caddy ? n 4 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK CENSOR. By its mass, it is like a tea-caddy, indeed. DEAN. Methinks it is like a clothes-horse. CENSOR. It is backed by a clothes-horse. DEAN. Or like a tub. CENSOR. Very like a tub. DEAN. They fool me to the top of my bent. (Enter from opposite sides THE BELFRY as Box, and THE BODLEY LIBRARIAN as Cox.) LIBRARIAN. Who are you, Sir ? BELFRY. If it comes to that, Sir, who are you? (They exchange cards.} LIBRARIAN. I should feel obliged to you if you could accommodate me with a more protuberant Bell-tower, Mr. B. The one you have now seems to me to consist of corners only, with nothing whatever in the middle. BELFRY. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox. (Places jauntily on his head a small model of the skeleton of an umbrella, upside down.} LIBRARIAN. Ah, tell me in mercy tell me have you such a thing as a redeeming feature, or the least mark of artistic design, about you ? BELFRY. No ! LIBRARIAN. Then you are my long-lost door scraper ! ( They rush into each other s arms. ) THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 115 (Enter TREASURER as ARIEL. Solemn music.} SONG AND CHORUS. Five fathom square the Belfry frowns ; All its sides of timber made ; Painted all in greys and browns ; Nothing of it that will fade. Christ Church may admire the change Oxford thinks it sad and strange. Beauty's dead ! Let's ring her knell. Hark ! now I hear them ding-dong, bell. 1 2. On the Future of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The Belfry has a great Future before it at least, if it has not, it has very little to do with Time at all, its Past being (fortunately for our ancestors) a nonentity, and its Present a blank. The advan- tage of having been born in the reign of Queen Anne, and of having died in that or the subsequent reign, has never been so painfully apparent as it is now. Credible witnesses assert that, when the bells are rung, the Belfry must come down. In that case considerable damage (the process technically described as " pulverisation ") must ensue to the beautiful pillar and roof which adofn the Hall staircase. But the architect is prepared even for n6 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK this emergency. " On the first symptom of de- flection " (he writes from Hanwell) " let the pillar be carefully removed and placed, with its super- struent superstructure " (we cannot forbear calling attention to this beautiful phrase), " in the centre of ' Mercury.' There it will constitute a novel and most unique feature of the venerable House." " Yes, and the Belfry shall serve to generations yet unborn as an ariel Ticket-office," so he cries with his eye in a fine frenzy rolling, " where the Oxford and London balloon shall call ere it launch forth on its celestial voyage and where expectant passengers shall while away the time with the latest edition of Belts Life I" 13. On the Moral of the new Belfry, Ch. Ch. The moral position of Christ Church is un- doubtedly improved by it. " We have been attacked, and perhaps not without reason, on the Bread-and- Butter question," she remarks to an inattentive World (which heeds her not, but prates on of Indirect Claims and of anything but indirect Claimants), " we have been charged and, it must be confessed, in a free and manly tone with shortcomings in the payment of the Greek Pro- THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 117 fessor, but who shall say that we are not all ' on the square ' now ? " This, however, is not the Moral of the matter. Everything has a moral, if you choose to look for it. In Wordsworth, a good half of every poem is devoted to the Moral : in Byron, a smaller pro portion : in Tupper, the whole. Perhaps the most graceful tribute we can pay to the genius of the last-named writer, is to entrust to him, as an old member of Christ Church, the conclusion of this Monograph. " Look on the Quadrangle of Christ, squarely, for is it not a Square ? And a Square recalleth a Cube ; and a Cube recalleth the Belfry ; And the Belfry recalleth a Die, shaken by the hand of the gambler ; Yet, once thrown, it may not be recalled, being, so to speak, irrevocable. There it shall endure for ages, treading hard on the heels of the Sublime For it is but a step, saith the wise man, from the Sublime unto the Ridiculous : And the Simple dwelleth midway between, and shareth the qualities of either." FINIS.
THE VISION OF THE THREE T'S, A THRENODY BY THE AUTHOR OF THE NEW BELFRY." " Cal you this, baching of your friends ? " West -view of the new Tunnel SECOND EDITION. JAMES PARKER AND CO. 1873- CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. A Conference (held on the Twentieth of March, 1873), betwixt an Angler, a Hunter, and a Professor ; concerning angling, and the beautifying of Thomas his Quadrangle. The Ballad of " The Wandering Burgess." CHAPTER II. A Conference with one distraught : who discourseth strangely of many things. CHAPTER III. A Conference of the Hunter with a Tutor, whilom the Angler his eyes be closed in sleep. The Angler aivaking relateth his Vision. The Hunter chaunteth " A Bachanalian Ode." CHAPTER 1. A Conference betwixt an Angler, a Hunter, and a Professor concerning angling, and the beauti- fying of Thomas his Quadrangle. The Ballad of " The Wandering Burgess!' PISCATOR, VENATOR. PISCATOR. My honest Scholar, we are now arrived at the place whereof I spake, and trust me, we shall have good sport. How say you? Is not this a noble Quadrangle we see around us ? And be not these lawns trimly kept, and this lake marvellous clear ? VENATOR. So marvellous clear, good Master, and withal so brief in compass, that methinks, if any fish of a reasonable bigness were therein, we must perforce espy it. I fear me there is none. Pise. The less the fish, dear Scholar, the greater the skill in catching of it. Come, let's sit down, and while we unpack the fishing gear, I'll deliver a few remarks, both as to the fish to be met with hereabouts, and the properest method of fishing. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 121 But you are to note first (for, as you are pleased to be my Scholar, it is but fitting you should imitate my habits of close observation) that the margin of this lake is so deftly fashioned that each portion thereof is at one and the same distance from that tumulus which rises in the centre. VEN. O' my word 'tis so ! You have indeed a quick eye, dear Master, and a wondrous readi- ness of observing. Pise. Both may be yours in time, my Scholar, if with humility and patience you follow me as your model. VEN. I thank you for that hope, great Master! But ere you begin your discourse, let me enquire of you one thing touching this noble Quadrangle- Is all we see of a like antiquity ? To be brief, think you that those two tall archways, that excavation in the parapet, and that quaint wooden box, belong to the ancient design of the building, or have men of our day thus sadly disfigured the place ? Pise. I doubt not they are new, dear Scholar. For indeed I was here but a few years since, and saw naught of these things. But what book is that I see lying by the water's edge ? VEN. A book of ancient ballads, and truly I 122 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK am glad to see it, as we may herewith beguile the tediousness of the day, if our sport be poor, or if we grow aweary. Pise. This is well thought of. But now to business. And first I'll tell you somewhat of the fish proper to these waters. The Commoner kinds we may let pass : for though some of them be easily Plucked forth from the water, yet are they so slow, and withal have so little in them, that they are good for nothing, unless they be crammed up to the very eyes with such stuffing as comes readiest to hand. Of these the Stickle- back, a mighty slow fish, is chiefest, and along with him you may reckon the Fluke, and divers others : all these belong to the " Mullet " genus, and be good to play, though scarcely worth examination. I will say somewhat of the Nobler kinds, and chiefly of the Gold-fish, which is a species highly thought of, and much sought after in these parts, not only by men, but by divers birds, as for example the King-fishers : and note that where- soever you shall see those birds assemble, and but few insects about, there shall you ever find the Gold-fish most lively and richest in flavour ; but wheresoever you perceive swarms of a certain THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 123 gray fly, called the Dun-fly, there the Gold-fish are ever poorer in quality, and the King-fishers seldom seen. A good Perch may sometimes be found here- abouts : but for a good fat Plaice (which is indeed but a magnified Perch) you may search these waters in vain. They that love such dainties must needs betake them to some distant Sea. But for the manner of fishing, I would have you note first that your line be not thicker than an ordinary bell-rope ; for look you, to flog the water, as though you laid on with a flail, is most pre- posterous, and will surely scare the fish. And note further, that your rod must by no means exceed ten, or at the most twenty, pounds in weight, for VEN. Pardon me, my Master, that I thus break in on so excellent a discourse, but there now approaches us a Collegian, as I guess him to be, from whom we may haply learn the cause of these novelties we see around us. Is not that a bone which, ever as he goes, he so cautiously waves before him ? Enter PROFESSOR. Pise. By his reverend aspect and white hair, I guess him to be some learned Professor. I give 124 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK you good day, reverend Sir ! If it be. not ill manners to ask it, what bone is that you bear about with you? It is, methinks, a humerous whimsy to chuse so strange a companion. PROF. Your observation, Sir, is both anthro- politically and ambidexterously opportune : for this is indeed a Hiimerus I carry with me. You are, I doubt not, strangers in these parts, for else you would surely know that a Professor doth ever carry that which most aptly sets forth his Profession. Thus, the Professor of Uniform Rotation carries with him a wheelbarrow the Professor of Graduated Scansion a ladder and so of the rest. VEN. It is an inconvenient and, methinks, an ill-advised custom. PROF. Trust me, Sir, you are absolutely and amorphologically mistaken : yet time would fail me to show you wherein lies your error, for indeed I must now leave you, being bound for this great performance of music, which even at this distance salutes your ears. Pise. Yet, I pray you, do us one courtesy before you go ; and that shall be to resolve a question, whereby my friend and I are sorely exercised. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 125 PROF. Say on. Sir, and I will e'en answer you to the best of my poor ability. Pise. Briefly, then, we would ask the cause for piercing the very heart of this fair building with that uncomely tunnel, which is at once so ill- shaped, so ill-sized, and so ill-lighted. PROF. Sir, do you know German ? Pise. It is my grief, Sir, that I know no other tongue than mine own. PROF. Then, Sir, my answer is this, Warum nicht ? Pise. Alas, Sir, I understand you not. PROF. The more the pity. For now-a-days all that is good comes from the German. Ask our men of science : they will tell you that any German book must needs surpass an English one. Aye, and even an English book, worth naught in this its native dress, shall become, when rendered into German, a valuable contribution to Science. VEN. Sir, you much amaze me. PROF. Nay, Sir, I'll amaze you yet more. No learned man doth now talk, or even so much as cough, save only in German. The time has been, I doubt not, when an honest English " Hem ! " was held enough, both to 'clear the 126 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK voice and rouse the attention of the company, but now-a-days no man of Science, that setteth any store by his good name, will cough otherwise than thus, Ach ! Euch I Auch I VEN. 'Tis wondrous. But, not to stay you further, wherefore do we see that ghastly gash above us, hacked, as though by some wanton schoolboy, in the parapet adjoining the Hall ? PROF. Sir, do you know German ? VEN. Believe me, No. PROF. Then, Sir, I need but ask you this, Wie befinden Sie Sick ? VEN. I doubt not, Sir, but you are in the right on't. Pise. But, Sir, I will by your favour ask you one other thing, as to that unseemly box that blots the fair heavens above. Wherefore, in this grand old City, and in so conspicuous a place, do men set so hideous a thing ? PROF. Be you mad, Sir? Why this is the very climacteric and coronal of all our archi- tectural aspirations ! In all Oxford there is naught like it ! Pise. It joys me much to hear you say so. PROF. And, trust me, to an earnest mind, THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 127 the categorical evolution of the Abstract, ideologi- cally considered, must infallibly develope itself in the parallelopipedisation of the Concrete ! And so Farewell. \_Exit PROFESSOR. Pise. He is a learned man, and methinks there is much that is sound in his reasoning. VEN. It is all sound, as it seems to me. But how say you ? Shall I read you one of these ballads ? Here is one called " The Wandering- Burgess," which (being forsooth a dumpish ditty) may well suit the ears of us whose eyes are oppressed with so dire a spectacle. Pise. Read on, good Scholar, and I will bait our hooks the while. [VENATOR readeth. THE WANDERING BURGESS. Our Willie had been sae lang awa', Frae bonnie Oxford toon, The townsfolk they were greeting a' As they went up and doon. He hadna been gane a year, a year, A year but barely ten, When word cam unto Oxford toon, Our Willie wad come agen. 128 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK Willie he stude at Thomas his Gate, And made a lustie din ; And who so blithe as the gate-porter To rise and let him in ? " Now enter Willie, now enter Willie, And look around the place, And see the pain that we have ta'en Thomas his Quad to grace." The first look that our Willie cast, He leuch loud laughters three, The neist look that our Willie cast, The tear blindit his e'e. Sae square and stark the Tea-chest frowned Athwart the upper air, But when the Trench our Willie saw, He thoucht the Tea-chest fair. Sae murderous-deep the Trench did gape The parapet aboon, But when the Tunnel Willie saw, He loved the Trench eftsoon. 'Twas mirk beneath the tane archway, 'Twas mirk beneath the tither ; Ye wadna ken a man therein, Though it were your ain dear brither. He turned him round and round about, And looked upon the Three ; And dismal grew his countenance, And drumlie grew his e'e. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 129 " What cheer, what cheer, my gallant knight ? " The gate-porter 'gan say. " Saw ever ye sae fair a sight As ye have seen this day ? " " Now haud your tongue of your prating, man : Of your prating now let me be. For, as I'm true knight, a fouler sight I'll never live to see. " Before I'd be the ruffian dark Who planned this ghastly show, I'd serve as secretary's clerk To Ayrton or to Lowe. " Before I'd own the loathly thing That Christ Church Quad reveals, I'd serve as shoeblack's underling To Odger and to Beales ! " CHAPTER II. A Conference with one distraught : who discourseth strangely of many things. PISCATOR, VENATOR. PISCATOR. 'Tis a marvellous pleasant ballad. But look you, another Collegian draws near. I wot not of what station he is, for indeed his apparel is new to me. VENATOR. It is compounded, as I take it, of 10 130 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK the diverse dresses of a jockey, a judge, and a North American Indian. Enter LUNATIC. Pise. Sir, may I make bold to ask your name? LUN. With all my heart. It is Jeeby, at your service. Pise. And wherefore (if I may further trouble you, being, as you see, a stranger) do you wear so gaudy, but withal so ill-assorted, a garb ? LUN. Why, Sir, I'll tell you. Do you read the Morning Post? Pise. Alas, Sir, I do not. LUN. 'Tis pity of your life you do not. For, look you, not to read the Post, and not to know the newest and most commended fashions, are but one and the same thing. And yet this raiment, that I wear, is not the newest fashion. No, nor has it ever been, nor will it ever be, the fashion. VEN. I can well believe it. LUN. And therefore 'tis, Sir, that I wear it. 'Tis but a badge of greatness. My deeds you see around you. Si monumentum quceris, circum- spice ! You know Latin ? VEN. Not I, Sir ! It shames me to say it. LUN. You are then (let me roundly tell you) THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 131 monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens, cui lumen ademptum ! VEN. Sir, you may tell it me roundly or, if you list, squarely or again, triangularly. But if, as you affirm, I see your deeds around me, I would fain know which they be. LUN. Aloft, Sir, stands the first and chiefest ! That soaring minaret ! That gorgeous cupola ! That dreamlike effulgence of VEN. That wooden box ? LUN. The same, Sir ! 'Tis mine ! VEN. (After a pause]. Sir, it is worthy of you. LUN. Lower now your eyes by a hairsbreadth, and straight you light upon my second deed. Oh, Sir, what toil of brain, what cudgelling of fore- head, what rending of locks, went to the fashion- ing of it ! VEN. Mean you that newly-made gap ? LUN. I do, Sir. 'Tis mine ! VEN. (After a long pause]. What else, Sir ? I would fain know the worst. LUN. (Wildly). It comes, it comes. My third great deed ! Lend, lend your ears your nose any feature you can least conveniently spare ! See you those twin doorways ? Tall and narrow they loom upon you severely simple 132 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK their outline massive the masonry between- black as midnight the darkness within ! Sir, of what do they mind you ? VEN. Of vaults, Sir, and of charnel-houses. LUN. This is a goodly fancy, and yet they are not vaults. No, Sir, you see before you a Rail- way Tunnel ! VEN. 'Tis very strange. LUN. But no less true than strange. Mark me. 'Tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round ! Society goes round of itself. In circles. Military society in military circles. Circles must needs have centres. Military circles military centres. VEN. Sir, I fail to see LUN. Lo you, said our Rulers, Oxford shall be a military centre ! Then the chiefest of them (glad in countenance, yet stony, I wot, in heart) so ordered it by his underling (I remember me not his name, yet is he one that can play a card well, and so serveth meetly the behests of that mighty one, who played of late in Ireland a game of cribbage such as no man, who saw it, may lightly forget) ; and then, Sir, this great College, ever loyal and generous, gave this Quadrangle as a Railway Terminus, whereby the troops might THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 133 come and go. By that Tunnel, Sir, the line will enter. Pise. But, Sir, I see no rails. LUN. Patience, good Sir ! For railing we look to the Public. The College doth but furnish sleepers. Pise. And the design of that Tunnel is LUN. Is mine, Sir ! Oh, the fancy ! Oh, the wit ! Oh, the rich vein of humour ! When came the idea? I' the mirk midnight. Whence came the idea ? From a cheese-scoop ! How came the idea? In a wild dream. Hearken, and I will tell. Form square, and prepare to receive a canonry ! All the evening long I had seen lobsters marching around the table in unbroken order. Something sputtered in the candle something hopped among the tea-things some- thing pulsated, with an ineffable yearning, beneath the enraptured hearthrug ! My heart told me something was coming and something came. A voice cried " Cheese-scoop ! " and the Great Thought of my life flashed upon me ! Placing an ancient Stilton cheese, to represent this vene- rable Quadrangle, on the chimney-piece, I retired to the further end of the room, armed only with a cheese-scoop, and with a dauntless courage awaited 134 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK the word of command. Charge, Cheesetaster, charge ! On, Stilton, on ! With a yell and a bound I crossed the room, and plunged my scoop into the very heart of the foe ! Once more ! Another yell another bound another cavity scooped out ! The deed was done ! VEN. And yet, Sir, if a cheese-scoop were your guide, these cavities must needs be circular. LUN. They were so at the first but, like the fickle Moon, my guardian satellite, I change as I go on. Oh, the rapture, Sir, of that wild moment! And did I reveal the Mighty Secret! Never, never! Day by day, week by week, behind a wooden screen, I wrought out that vision of beauty. The world came and went, and knew not of it. Oh, the ecstasy, when yesterday the Screen was swept away, and the Vision was a Reality ! I stood by Tom-Gate, in that triumphal hour, and watched the passers-by. They stopped ! They stared ! ! They started ! ! ! A thrill of envy paled their cheeks! Hoarse inarticulate words of delirious rapture rose to their lips. What withheld me what, I ask you candidly, withheld me from leaping upon them, holding them in a frantic clutch, and yelling in their ears " Tis mine, 'tis mine ! " THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 135 Pise. Perchance, the thought that LUN. You are right, Sir. The thought that there is a lunatic asylum in the neighbourhood, and that two medical certificates but I will be calm. The deed is done. Let us change the subject. Even now a great musical performance is going on within. Wilt hear it ? The Chapter give it ha, ha ! They give it ! Pise. Sir, I will very gladly be their guest. LUN. Then, guest, you have not guessed all ! You shall be bled, Sir, ere you go ! 'Tis love, 'tis love, that makes the hat go round ! Stand and deliver ! Vivat Regina ! No money re- turned ! Pise. How mean you, Sir ? LUN. I said, Sir, " No money returned ! " Pise. And /said. Sir, " How mean LUN. Sir, I am with you. You have heard of Bishops' Charges. Sir, what are Bishops to Chapters ? Oh, it goes to my heart to see these quaint devices ! First, sixpence for use of a door- scraper. Then, fivepence for right of choosing by which archway to approach the door. Then, a poor threepence for turning of the handle. Then, a shilling a head for admission, and half-a-crown for every two-headed man. Now this, Sir, is 136 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK manifestly unjust, for you are to note that the double of a shilling Pise. I do surmise, Sir, that the case is rare. LUN. And then, Sir, five shillings each for care of your umbrella ! Hence comes it that each visitor of ready wit hides his umbrella, ere he enter, either by swallowing it (which is perilous to the health of the inner man), or by running it down within his coat, even from the nape of the neck, which indeed is the cause of that which you may have observed in me, namely, a certain stiff- ness in mine outward demeanour. Farewell, gentlemen, 1 go to hear the music. \_Exit LUNATIC. CHAPTER III. [see also Wikisource] A Conference of the Hunter with a Tutor, whilom the Angler his eyes be closed in sleep. The Angler awaking relateth his Vision. The Hunter chaunteth "A Bach- analian Ode" PISCATOR, VENATOR, TUTOR. VENATOR. He has left us, but methinks we are not to lack company, for look you, another is THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 137 even now at hand, gravely apparelled, and bear- ing upon his head Hoffmann's Lexicon in four volumes folio. PISCATOR. Trust me, this doth symbolise his craft. Good morrow, Sir. If I rightly interpret these that you bear with you, you are a teacher in this learned place ? TUTOR, i am, Sir, a Tutor, and profess the teaching of divers unknown tongues. Pise. Sir, we are happy to have your com- pany, and, if it trouble you not too much, we would gladly ask (as indeed we did ask another of your learned body, but understood not his reply) the cause of these new things we see around us, which indeed are as strange as they are new, and as unsightly as they are strange. TUTOR. Sir, I will tell you with all my heart. You must know then (for herein lies the pith of the matter) that the motto of the Governing Body is this : " Diruit, ædificat, mutat quadrat a rotundis" ; which I thus briefly expound. Diruit. "It teareth doivn" Witness that fair opening which, like a glade in an ancient forest, we have made in the parapet at the sinistral extremity of the Hall. Even as a tree is the 138 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK more admirable when the hewer's axe hath all but severed its trunk or as a row of pearly teeth, enshrined in ruby lips, are yet the more lovely for the loss of one so, believe me, this our fair Quadrangle is but enhanced by that which foolish men in mockery call the " Trench." Ædificat. "It buildeth up." Witness that beauteous Belfry which, in its ethereal grace, seems ready to soar away even as we gaze upon it ! Even as a railway porter moves with an unwonted majesty when bearing a portmanteau on his head or as I myself (to speak modestly) gain a new beauty from these massive tomes or as ocean charms us most when the rectangular bathing-machine breaks the monotony of its curving marge so are we blessed by the presence of that which an envious world hath dubbed " the Tea-chest." Mutat quadrata rotundis. " It exchangeth square things for round." Witness that series of square-headed doors and windows, so beautifully broken in upon by that double archway ! For indeed, though simple (" simplex munditiis" as the poet saith), it is matchless in its beauty. Had those twin archways been greater, they would but have matched those at the corners of the Quadrangle THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 139 had they been less, they would but have copied, with an abject servility, the doorways around them. In such things, it is only a vulgar mind that thinks of a match. The subject is lowe. We seek the Unique, the Eccentric! We glory in this twofold excavation, which scoffers speak of as " the Tunnel." VEN. Come, Sir, let me ask you a pleasant question. Why doth the Governing Body chuse for motto so trite a saying ? It is, if I remember me aright, an example of a rule in the Latin Grammar. TUTOR. Sir, if we are not grammatical, we are nothing ! VEN. But for the Belfry, Sir. Sure none can look on it without an inward shudder ? TUTOR. I will not gainsay it. But you are to note that it is not permanent. This shall serve its time, and a fairer edifice shall succeed it. VEN. In good sooth I hope it. Yet for the time being it doth not, in that it is not permanent, the less disgrace the place. Drunkenness, Sir, is not permanent, and yet is held in no good esteem. TUTOR. 'Tis an apt simile. VEN. And for these matchless arches, as you i 4 o THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK do most truly call them, would it not savour of more wholesome Art, had they matched the door- ways, or the gateways ? TUTOR. Sir; do you study the Mathematics ? VEN. I trust, Sir, I can do the Rule of Three as well as another ; and for Long Division TUTOR. You must know, then, that there be three Means treated of in Mathematics. For there is the Arithmetic Mean, the Geometric, and the Harmonic. And note further that a Mean is that which falleth between two mag- nitudes. Thus it is, that the entrance you here behold falleth between the magnitudes of the doorways and the gateways, and is in truth the Non-harmonic Mean, the Mean Absolute. But that the Mean, or Middle, is ever the safer course, we have a notable ensample in Egyptian history, in which land (as travellers tell us) the Ibis standeth ever in the midst of the river Nile, so best to avoid the onslaught of the ravenous alligators, which infest the banks on either side ; from which habit of that wise bird is derived the ancient maxim, " Medio tutissimus Ibis" VEN. But wherefore be they two ? Surely one arch were at once more comely and more convenient ? THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 141 TUTOR. Sir, so long as public approval be won, what matter for the arch ? But that they are two, take this as sufficient explication that they are too tall for doorways, too narrow for gateways ; too light without, too dark within ; too plain to be ornamental, and withal too fan- tastic to be useful. And if this be not enough, you are to note further that, were it all one arch, it must needs cut short one of those shafts which grace the Quadrangle on all sides and that were a monstrous and unheard-of thing, in good sooth, look you. VEN. In good sooth, Sir, if I look I cannot miss seeing that there be three such shafts already cut short by doorways : so that it hath fair ensample to follow. TUTOR. Then will I take other ground, Sir, and affirm (for I trust I have not learned Logic in vain) that to cut short the shaft were a common and vulgar thing to do. But indeed a single arch, where folk might smoothly enter in, were wholly adverse to Nature, who formeth never a mouth without setting a tongue as an obstacle in the midst thereof. VEN. Sir, do you tell me that the block of masonry, between the gateways, was left there 142 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK of set purpose, to hinder those that would enter in ? TUTOR. Trust me, it was even so ; for firstly, we may thereby more easily control the entering crowds ("divide et impera" say the Ancients), and secondly, in this matter a wise man will ever follow Nature. Thus, in the centre of a hall- door we usually place an umbrella stand in the midst of a wicket-gate, a milestone, what place so suited for a watchbox as the centre of a narrow bridge ? -Yea, and in the most crowded thoroughfare, where the living tide flows thickest, there, in the midst of all, the true ideal architect doth ever plant an obelisk ! You may have observed this ? VEN. (Muck bewildered]. I may have done so, worthy Sir ; and yet, methinks TUTOR. I must now bid you farewell ; for the music, which I would fain hear, is even now beginning. VEN. Trust me, Sir, your discourse hath in- terested me hugely. TUTOR. Yet it hath, I fear me, somewhat wearied your friend, who is, as I perceive, in a deep slumber. VEN. I had partly guessed it, by his loud and continuous snoring. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 143 TUTOR. You had best let him sleep on. He hath, I take it, a dull fancy, that cannot grasp the Great and the Sublime. And so farewell : I am bound for the music. \Exit TUTOR. VEN. I give you good day, good Sir. Awake, my Master ! For the day weareth on, and we have catched no fish. Pise. Think not of fish, dear Scholar, but hearken ! Trust me, I have seen such things in my dreams as words may hardly compass ! Come, Sir, sit down, and I'll unfold to you, in such poor language as may best suit both my capacity and the briefness of our time. THE VISION OF THE THREE T's. Methought that, in some bygone Age, I stood beside the waters of Mercury, and saw, reflected on its placid face, the grand old buildings of the Great Quadrangle : near me stood one of portly form and courtly mien, with scarlet gown, and broad-brimmed hat whose strings, wide-fluttering in the breezeless air, at once defied the laws of gravity and marked the reverend Cardinal! 'Twas Wolsey's self! I would have spoken, but he raised his hand and pointed to the cloudless sky, from whence deep-muttering thunders now began to roll. I listened in wild terror. Darkness gathered overhead, and through the gloom sobbingly down-floated a gigantic Box ! With a fearful crash it settled upon the ancient College, which groaned beneath it, while a mocking voice cried, " Ha ! Ha ! " / looked for Wolsey : he was gone. Down in those glassy depths lay the stalwart form, with 144 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK scarlet mantle grandly wrapped around it : the broad-brimmed hat floated, boatlike, on the lake, while the strings with their complex tassels, still defying the laws of gravity, quivered in the air, and seemed to point a hundred fingers at the horrid Belfry ! Around, on every side, spirits howled in the howling blast, blatant, stridulous ! A darker vision yet ! A black gash appeared in the shud- dering parapet ! Spirits flitted hither and thither with averted face, and warning finger pressed to quivering lips f Then a wild shriek rang through the air, as, with volcanic roar, two murky chasms burst upon the vieiv, and the ancient College reeled giddily around me ! Spirits in patent-leather boots stole by on tiptoe, with hushed breath and eyes of ghastly terror ! Spirits with cheap um- brellas, and unnecessary goloshes, hovered over me, sublimely pendant ! Spirits with carpet bags, dressed in complete suits of dittos, sped by me, shrieking " Aivay ! Away ! To the arrowy Rhine ! To the rushing Guadalquiver ! To Bath ! To Jericho ! To anywhere ! " Stand here with me and gaze. From this thrice-favoured spot, in one rapturous glance gather in, and brand for ever on the tablets of memory, the Vision of the Three T's ! To your left frowns the abysmal blackness of the tenebrous Tunnel. To your right yawns the terrible Trench. While far above, away from the sordid aims of Earth and the petty criticisms of Art, soars, tetragonal and tremendous, the tintinabulatory Tea- chest ! Scholar, the Vision is complete ! VEN. I am glad on't ; for in good sooth I am a-hungered. How say you, my Master? Shall we not leave fishing, and fall to eating presently ? And look you, here is a song, which I have THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 145 chanced on in this book of ballads, and which methinks suits well the present time and this most ancient place. Pise. Nay, then, let's sit down. We shall, I warrant you, make a good, honest, wholesome, hungry nuncheon with a piece of powdered beef and a radish or two that I have in my fish-bag. And you shall sing us this same song as we eat. VEN. Well, then, I will sing ; and I trust it may content you as well as your excellent dis- course hath oft profited me. VENATOR chaunteth A BACHANALIAN ODE. Here's to the Freshman of bashful eighteen ! Here's to the Senior of twenty ! Here's to the youth whose moustache can't be seen ! And here's to the man who has plenty ! Let the men Pass ! Out of the mass I'll warrant we'll find you some fit for a Class ! Here's to the Censors, who symbolise Sense, Just as Mitres incorporate Might, Sir ! To the Bursar, who never expands the expense And the Readers, who always do right, Sir Tutor and Don, Let them jog on ! I warrant they'll rival the centuries gone ! ii 146 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK Here's to the Chapter, melodious crew ! Whose harmony surely intends well : For, though it commences with " harm," it is true Yet its motto is " All's well that ends well ! " Tis love, I'll be bound, That makes it go round ! 'For " In for a penny is in for a pound ! " Here's to the Governing Body, whose Art (For they're Masters of Arts to a man, Sir !) Seeks to beautify Christ Church in every part, Though the method seems hardly to answer ! With three T's it is graced Which letters are placed To stand for the names of Tact, Talent, and Taste ! Pise. I thank you, good Scholar, for this piece of merriment, and this Song, which was well humoured by the maker, and well rendered by you. VEN. Oh, me ! Look you, Master ! A fish ! a fish! Pise. Then let us hook it. [ They hook it. FINIS.
THE BLANK CHEQUE, A FABLE. BY THE AUTHOR OF "THE NEW BELFRY AND "THE VISION OF THE THREE T'S.' "Veil, perhaps, "said Sam, "you bought houses, vich is delicate English for goin' mad ; or took to buildin', vich is a medical term for being incurable." i^rforlr : JAMES PARKER AND CO. 1874 " Five o'clock tea " is a phrase that our " rude forefathers," even of the last generation, would scarcely have understood, so completely is it a thing of to-day ; and yet, so rapid is the March of Mind, it has already risen into a national insti- tution, and rivals, in its universal application to all ranks and ages, and as a specific for "all the ills that flesh is heir to," the glorious Magna Charta. Thus it came to pass that, one chilly day in March, which only made the shelter indoors seem by contrast the more delicious, I found myself in the cosy little parlour of my old friend, kind, hospitable Mrs. Nivers. Her broad, good- humoured face wreathed itself into a sunny smile as I entered, and we were soon embarked on that wayward smooth-flowing current of chat about nothing in particular, which is perhaps the most enjoyable of all forms of conversation. John (I beg his pardon, " Mr. Nivers," I should say: but he was so constantly talked of, and at, by his better half, as " John," that his friends were apt to forget he had a surname at all) sat in a 150 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 151 distant corner with his feet tucked well under his chair, in an attitude rather too upright for com- fort, and rather too suggestive of general collapse for anything like dignity, and sipped his tea in silence. From some distant region came a sound like the roar of the sea, rising and falling, suggest- ing the presence of many boys ; and indeed I knew that the house was full to overflowing of noisy urchins, overflowing with high spirits and mischief, but on the whole a very creditable set of little folk. " And where are you going for your sea-side trip this summer, Mrs. Nivers?" My old friend pursed up her lips with a mys- terious smile and nodded. " Can't understand you," I said. ''You understand me, Mr. De Ciel, just as well as I understand myself, and thats not saying much, /don't know where we're going : John doesn't know where we're going but we're cer- tainly going somewhere; and we shan't even know the name of the place till we find ourselves there! Now are you satisfied ? " I was more hopelessly bewildered than ever. ' l One of us is dreaming, no doubt," I faltered ; " or or perhaps I'm going mad, or-- 152 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK The good lady laughed merrily at my discom- fiture. "Well, well! It's a shame to puzzle you so," she said. "I'll tell you all about it. You see, last year we couldrit settle it, do what we would. John said * Herne Bay,' and / said * Brighton,' and the boys said 4 somewhere where there's a circus,' not that we gave much weight to that, you know ; well, and Angela (she's a growing girl, and we've got to find a new school for her this year) ; she said * Portsmouth, because of the soldiers ' ; and Susan (she's my maid, you know), she said ' Ramsgate.' Well, with all those con- trary opinions, somehow it ended in our going nowhere ; and John and I put our heads together last week, and we settled that it should never happen again. And now, how do you think we've managed it ? " "Quite impossible to guess," I said dreamily, as I handed back my empty cup. " In the first place," said the good lady, "we need change sadly. Housekeeping worries me more every year, particularly with boarders and John will have a couple of gentlemen-boarders always on hand ; he says it looks respectable, and that they talk so well, they make the House THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 153 quite lively. As if / couldn't talk enough for him ! 11 It isn't that ! " muttered John. " It's " They're well enough sometimes," the lady went on (she never seemed to hear her husband's remarks), " but I'm sure when Mr. Prior Burgess was here, it was enough to turn one's hair grey ! He was an open-handed gentleman enough as liberal as could be but far too particular about his meals. Why, if you'll believe me, he wouldn't sit down to dinner without there were three courses. We couldn't go on in that style, you know. I had to tell the next boarder he must be more hardy in his notions, or I could warrant him we shouldn't suit each other." "Quite right," I said. " Might I trouble you for another half cup ? " 4< Seaside air we must have, you see," Mrs. Nivers went on, mechanically taking up the tea- pot, but too much engrossed in the subject to do more, "and as we can't agree where to go, and yet we must go somewhere did you say half a cup ? " "Thanks," said I. "You were going to tell me what it was you settled." "We settled," said the good lady, pouring out 154 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK the tea without a moment's pause in her flow of talk, "that the only course was (cream I think you take, but no sugar? Just so) was to put the whole matter but stop, John shall read it all out to you. We've drawn up the agreement in writing quite ship-shape, isn't it, John? Here's the document : John shall read it you and mind your stops, there's a dear ! " John put on his spectacles, and in a tone of gloomy satisfaction (it was evidently his own com- position) read the following : " Be it hereby enacted and decreed, " 7^/iat Susan be appointed for the business of choosing a watering-place for this season, and find- ing a New School for Angela. ' ' That Susan be empowered not only to procure plans, but to select a plan, to submit the estimate for the execution of such plan to the Housekeeper, and, if the Housekeeper sanction the proposed ex- penditure, to proceed with the execution of siich plan, and to fill z// the Blank Cheque for the whole expense incurred." Before I could say another word the door burst open, and a whole army of boys tumbled into the THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 155 room, headed by little Harry, the pet of the family, who hugged in his arms the much-enduring parlour cat, which, as he eagerly explained in his broken English, he had been trying to teach to stand on one leg. " Harry- Parry Ridy-Pidy Coachy-Poachy ! " said the fond mother, as she lifted the little fellow to her knee and treated him to a jog-trot. " Harry's very fond of Pussy, he is, but he mustn't tease it, he mustn't ! Now go and play on the stairs, there's dear children. Mr. De Ciel and I want to have a quiet talk." And the boys tumbled out of the room again, as eagerly as they had tumbled in, shouting, " Let's have a Chase in the Hall ! " "A good set of heads, are they not, Mr. De Ciel ? " my friend continued, with a wave of her fat hand towards the retreating army. " Phreno- logists admire them much. Look at little Sam, there. He's one of the latest arrivals, you know, but he grows mercy on us, how that boy does grow ! You've no idea what a Weight he is ! Then there's Freddy, that tall boy in the corner : he's rather too big for the others, that's a fact and he's something of a Bully at times, but the boy has a tender heart, too ; give him a bit of 156 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK poetry, now, and he's as maudlin as a girl ! Then there's Benjy, again : a nice boy, but I daren't tell you what he costs us in pocket money ! Oh, the work we had with that boy till we raised his allowance! Hadn't we, John?" ("John" grunted in acquiescence). "It was Arthur took up his cause so much, and worried poor John and me nearly into our graves. Arthur was a very nice boy, Mr. De Ciel, and as great a favourite with the other boys as Harry is now, before he went to Westminster. He used to tell them stories, and draw them the prettiest pictures you ever saw ! Houses that were all windows and chimnies what they call ' High Art,' I believe. We tried a conservatory once on the High- Art principle, and (would you believe it ?) the man stuck the roof up on a lot of rods like so many knitting needles ! Of course it soon came down about our ears, and we had to do it all over again. As I said to John at the time, 'If this is High Art, give me a little more of the Art next time, and a little less of the High ! ' He's doing very well at W T est- minster, I hear, but his tutor writes that he's very asthmatic, poor fellow " Esthetic, my dear, aesthetic ! " remonstrated John. THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 157 ''Ah, well, my love," said the good lady, "all those long medical words are one and the same thing to me. And they come to the same thing in the Christmas bills, too ; they both mean ' Draught as before ' ! Well, well ! They're a set of dear good boys on the whole : they've only one real Vice among them but I shall tire you, talking about the boys so much. What do you think of that agreement of ours ? " I had been turning the paper over and over in my hands, quite at a loss to know what to say to so strange a scheme. " Surely I've misunderstood you ? " I said. " You don't mean to say that you've left the whole thing to your maid to settle for you ? " " But that's exactly what I do mean, Mr. De Ciel," the lady replied a little testily. " She's a very sensible young person, I can assure you. So now, wherever Susan chooses to take us, there we go ! " (" There we go ! There we go ! " echoed her husband in a dismal sort of chant, rocking himself backwards and forwards in his chair.) " You've no idea what a comfort it is to feel that the whole thing's in Susan's hands ! " " Go where Susan takes thee," I remarked, with a vague idea that I was quoting an old song. 158 THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK " Well, no doubt Susan has very correct taste, and all that but still, if I might advise, I wouldn't leave all to her. She may need a little check " That's the very word, dear Mr. De Ciel ! " cried my old friend, clapping her hands. " And that's the very thing we've done, isn't it, John? " (" The very thing we've done," echoed John). "I made him do it only this morning. He has signed her a Blank Cheque, so that she can go to any cost she likes. It's such a comfort to get things settled and off one's hands, you know! John's been grumbling about it ever since, but now that I can tell him it's your advice " But, my dear Madame," I exclaimed, " I don't mean cheque with a ' Q ' ! " your advice," repeated Mrs. N., not heeding my interruption, " why, of course he'll see the reasonableness of it, like a sensible creature as he is ! " Here she looked approvingly at her husband, who tried to smile a " slow wise smile," like Tennyson's "wealthy miller," but I fear the result was more remarkable for slowness than for wisdom. I saw that it would be waste of words to argue the matter further, so took my leave, and did not THE LEWIS CARROLL PICTURE BOOK 159 see my old friends again before their departure for the sea-side. 1 quote the following from a letter which I received yesterday from Mrs. Nivers : " MARGATE, April i. 11 DEAR FRIEND, You know the old story of the dinner-party, where there was nothing hot but the ices, and nothing cold but the soup? Of this place I may safely say that there is nothing high but the prices, the staircases, and the eggs ; nothing low but the sea and the company ; nothing strong but the butter, and nothing weak but the tea ! " From the general tenour of her letter I gather that they are not enjoying it. MORAL. Is it really seriously proposed in the University of Oxford, and towards the close of the nineteenth century (never yet reckoned by historians as part of the Dark Ages] to sign a Blank Cheque for the expenses of building New Schools, before any esti- mate has been made of those expenses before any plan has been laid before the University, from which such an estimate could be made before any architect has been found to design such a plan before any Committee has been elected to find such an architect ? FINIS, [...] Dodgson, Charles Lutwidge The Lewis Carroll picture book